Dear Diary...Love Is A Choice

Ahhhhh...amore. The spice of life. Does anything "feel" better than the love that can happen between a man and a woman? The answer is yes, but, it's definitely a top 3 feels. Have you ever thought of love as something that just happens? Can you imagine if you actually didn't have any control over whom you love? Yea, it sounds mystical and ridiculous. However, we still walk around describing it as something we "fall into". I'd be a sorry excuse of a romantic if I didn't think there is a little mystery to it, right? Wrong. I'm all in on the "meet cute" and the first moment you look in her eyes and think...oh shit. But feels are just that. Feels. Love has a greater substance. It's not something that you fall into or falls on you-it flows from you, by choice.

Let me throw a definition at you. Voddie Baucham is the first man I have read that gave me a definition of love that I could sink my teeth into. Love is a choice, accompanied by emotion, that leads to action on behalf of the beloved. The thing I like about this definition is the acknowledgment of emotion, action, and thought working together to bring about this thing called love. This all makes sense right? You have thoughts. You have feelings. You have actions. You think about or view someone a particular way, you feel things about those thoughts, and then you make choices about how your going to act toward that individual. Voila...love. Its a noun and a verb. It's both something you possess and express. It does not possess you. Nor do the feels.

There's all kinds of science related to attraction and chemistry. That is not love. It definitely helps and makes the choice of love a lot easier to make. You think maybe that's why God gave us the feels? Hmmm. Attraction and chemistry is such an interesting topic. There are all these factors that contribute to the kind of person you are attracted to. Chemistry, as defined by google, is too long to get into. Chemistry is that "zing". You just got it or you don't. It can be built upon and cultivated. But the "zing" is felt pretty early...or not felt. Do you laugh together? Do the deep chats feel like home? Would an outsider read your text thread and wonder what in the hell the two of you are talking about? Zing!!! Attraction and chemistry is fun. But it's not even close to what really matters in a marriage.

In the words of B.B. King, "the thrill is gone. it's gone away from me, baby". If you don't know this song than its time to level up your taste in music. Every marriage knows that there will be times that you can agree with the king. But it's just a feeling. Maybe it comes back, maybe it doesn't. If you have the humility to speak with an old timer about it they will tell you it can. But then it's gone again. The thrill...the zing...it's just flavor to the love you give to your spouse. It's like seasoning. It's meant to enhance. I don't think God gave us feelings to ignore them. As an image bearer, the "zing" or "thrill" is a result of our personhood. God gave us the zing. Embrace it, but don't chase it. Remember that it enhances...it does not direct.

So...Love. It is this thing that we can choose to do and possess. In our culture, it is best viewed as a post "zing" choice. But if love was dependent on "zing" than marriage wouldn't work. The bible talks a lot about love. In my opinion, it tells us everything we need to know about it if we're willing to see it. We have this great ability as humans to complicate things that aren't and simplify things that we shouldn't. Love is like that on both accounts. Big Sigh. If your married. Read what the bible says about love. Take your romance filter off. Just read what it says about loving God and loving others in community. Now do that to your spouse. All the zing baby. It's like He knows what He is doing.

Why is this idea important? Because we suck at marriage. We meaning the church. Marriage is hard. I think one of the reasons why is our stupid understanding of love and our inability to sit still long enough to have meaningful conversations about what it is and is not. Marriages begin with a choice to love. And they end with a choice not to. So don't be stupid. Choose what He tells you to choose. Choose to love your spouse because He chose to love you.